


And If You Were Gone

by sadtunes



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bittersweet Ending, Daisy Johnson is Not Okay, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Lincoln Campbell is a Saint, Melinda May Feels, Not Beta Read, Or More Like, POV Skye | Daisy Johnson, Parent Melinda May, Post-Bahrain (Agents of SHIELD), Skye | Daisy Johnson Feels, Skye | Daisy Johnson Needs a Hug, Skye | Daisy Johnson-centric, Stays in Bahrain, Tags Are Fun, What Happened in Bahrain (Marvel), daisy johnson character study, just a lil, kind of, no beta we die like men, no beta we die like natasha in engame, no im still not over it, title may change, tw: suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26402134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadtunes/pseuds/sadtunes
Summary: And If You Were Gone (I Would Burn The World Down Until We Were All That Was Left In The Flames)OR"On the good days, she is not happy, but she pretends she is, and that is almost enough."ORDaisy doesn't think there are any good days without him.
Relationships: Lincoln Campbell/Skye | Daisy Johnson, Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson
Comments: 12
Kudos: 59





	And If You Were Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Just had this random thought in the shower and wrote it out.
> 
> (Also look at me writing my first non-sapphic work!)
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT  
> There is a suicide attempt in this so please don't read if you think that could trigger you.
> 
> (:

  
  


On the good days, Daisy likes to pretend that all the fighting she’s doing, all the terrorist she takes down, redeems her. She likes to think that all the lives she’s saved ahead of time make up for the ones she was too late for, the ones that died because of her. She lives in this perfect fantasy, where she is the hero and all the people she has lost are motivation to not lose herself. One the good days, she is not happy, but she pretends she is, and that is almost enough.

On the bad days, Daisy turns the crank on the radio to the news station. Sometimes she goes to one of those shops with a little tv. She sees the bodies left behind and when she looks she doesn’t see terrorists who kill people for being different, she sees people with wives, children, parents and family who now have a hole in their hearts where love was supposed to be and she sees their blood stained on the ground and wonders when that happened because  _ she hadn’t meant to push that hard and the debris wasn’t supposed to fall right there and- _

And it makes her think that maybe she _is_ different, because she used to have a family once, back when she could still stand the sight of her own face in the mirror. She’d never known one before them. (It probably should have stayed that way.) They laughed and they cried and they bled and they fought with each other and they fought _for_ each other. She fought for different reasons back then, reasons far more important than anger and hate and pain and _revenge._   
  


That’s what it really was, revenge. Because someone died, someone was taken away once again and she wants to hurt all these people that should've died in his place, she wants to make them burn so that maybe in the ashes she will find the missing piece of her heart, maybe in the ashes he will rise.

One the good days, Daisy thinks of Lincoln’s sacrifice and she smiles, because that is the man she fell in love with, that is the man who saved the world. One the good days, she tells herself to prove that it’s one worth saving, and she goes on. 

One the bad days, she thinks that he never would have died if he’d never known her, he never would have sacrificed himself if it wasn’t her he was aiming to save. (That’s probably the worst part of it, that he didn’t see the broken glass of her heart, didn’t see the jagged lines in her thoughts. He didn’t see that she really wasn’t worth saving, and that those trying always came off more broken than her.) And she thinks of all the others that are gone and she thinks that everyone who loves her dies and she thinks that maybe she should die too, if only to even the scales.

Because it is not enough to pretend to be happy.

It is not enough to save lives.

It is not enough to play hero.

It is not enough to die a little each night, and wake up every morning and tell herself that it’s a good day. Because there are no good days or bad days, there is just her getting up every morning with a fake smile even though there is no one around her to fool. There are just days that she tries to get through without feeling like there’s ash in her lungs or fire in her veins but there is no escaping herself. There is no escaping the things she has done, or the person she has become.

(Sometimes she considers letting the fire consume her until she is nothing but dust and smoke and air and she hopes that the wind will carry her away if she does.) 

  
  
  


Every night she stands with a hand over her heart and she thinks about how easy it would be to just make it stop.

  
  


She tried a gun once, the first time, back when it was over and there were no more tears left to shed. It was ten o’clock at night and she grabbed it from under her pillow and sat and stared at the trigger and didn’t bring it up to her head until the door opened and a short woman with black hair stepped in. Sheets tumbled to the floor and for the first time Daisy saw a chip in the stoic facade of Melinda May.

_ “Daisy.” The voice was firm. There was no waiver or stutter of fear, no flattering as she tried to search for what to say. _

_ Daisy was not the same, her voice came out weak and shaky when she relied, and she could feel the dryness of her throat grating at her senses. “You can’t stop me.”  _

_ May nods and sits on the floor, she does not come closer, and Daisy does not pull the trigger. The gun doesn’t move in it’s position pressed to the top of her head, but she does not shoot, because she does not want her mom to see her die. _

_ They sit in silence, May has still not said a word, yet a few minutes after observing Daisy she nods again, as if finally understanding what to say. _

_ “I tried it too, after Bahrain.”  _

_ Daisy looks away, she does not want to be convinced out of this, she wants to die, she needs to die, she  _ deserves _ this, she- _

_ “Andrew was the one who found me bleeding in the bathtub, I had already passed out from the blood loss. He took me to the hospital, if he’d been a few minutes later… I never would have met this team. You.” _

_ Daisy scoffs, willing the tears back into her eyes. “Is this where you tell me it gets better? That time heals all wounds?” _

_ May shakes her head. “No. The pain never goes away. You just learn to live with it. This is where I tell you it’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay if you think you are never going to be okay.” _

_ Daisy opens her mouth to speak, but May keeps talking. _

_ “But sweetheart, I don’t want you to do this because you think no one will miss you. I can’t speak for the others, but even if none of them forgive you, you still have me. I will always stay with you.” _

_ May calls her sweetheart and the word sounds foreign coming out of her mouth, but Daisy nearly puts the gun down if only to be able to get used to it. _

_ “Daisy.” May waits until Daisy meets her gaze. _

_ “You have to know that. I won’t leave you, I love you, and nothing you could ever do will change that. And if- if you think that you can’t do this anymore-” _

_ This time it’s May who looks away, only for half a second, but it’s enough for her to know that she is thoroughly rattled. _

_ “Then I’ll still love you anyways, and you won’t be alone.” _

_ May finally gets up and sits by her side. Daisy doesn’t move. _

_ “I’ll stay with you till you go too.” _

_ In the end, Daisy doesn’t pull the trigger, and May sleeps with her that night. In the morning, Daisy slips out of bed, and though she’s certain that the older woman heard her get up, she doesn’t move. Daisy leaves that morning, but she leaves May a note telling her that she won't go, and she’s partially telling the truth too, because even if she does, there isn’t much of her left to lose anyways. So Daisy knows May understands, but she knows the others wouldn’t, and she can’t deal with the half-smiles and the tip-toeing. She can’t deal with their forgiveness or their hatred, or even their love, and she doesn’t want to, so she is gone before they wake up. _

  
  
  
  


And on some days, Daisy is glad she got to love somebody with a heart so pure he let himself die, so that others could live. Some days, she is happy they won, even if he isn’t here to celebrate with her, because at least there are still people alive to do that for him.

  
  
  


Other days, Daisy wishes they lost.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Leave a comment!


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